Demetri Martin - These Are Jokes

Today I went to Demetri Martin's show called (imaginatively) "These are jokes". As promised, the show was essentially Demetri Martin standing (, sitting, playing harmonica, walking around, rapping etc.) and telling jokes. I thought he had some good ones (though at £11 concessional ticket, it was steep). Here's a sampler:

I wonder how long it took to make the first clock.

I had a nice clock. The big hand broke off, but I didn't want to throw it away, so I wrote "ish" after every number.

I love kids. It's not the same as saying I love people only for a little while. How old are you? 13-years? Fuck off. You are yesterday's news. "I love kids" as a general statement is fine, but specificity is calling for trouble. "I love 12-year olds."

Infinity should have been a longer word. It's shorter than seventeen. That's ridiculous.

I like the word alphabet. That word is like a preview.

I thought I saw a d yesterday, but it was a p standing on it's head.

I don't like the letter Q. It's like a half-a-letter. C'mon, as soon as I hear Q, I'm like let me guess what's next. It's U. Talking to U, I' d say it's time you did your own thing. Everytime I see you, it's behind Q. It's like you are Q's bitch or something. I mean he's just a hole and a dick.

The word regards is very weird. Regards is something you can send to someone, but you can't give them directly.
"Give Frank my regards. Or hold it, I'm gonna take them over."
"Frank!"
"Yeah?"
"Regards." "Regarding you." "Hold on, hold on, take them."
"Hey man, this is ridiculous. Next time you want to give me regards, just send them over. I do wanna see you regardless, but don't bring along your regards."

A secret admirer is just a stalker with stationery.

I think most people are assholes, because whenever you see a bunch of people, and shout "Hey asshole", they all turn and look.

I think match-making would be a boring job.
"What do you do?"
"I'm a matchmaker."
"Oh, how romantic."
"No, I make actual matchboxes."

I stayed in a hotel, and asked for a wake-up call. When the phone rang in the morning, the voice said, "What are you doing to your wife?"

I like push doors more than pull doors. When I come across a door that says pull, I'm like, "Are you kidding me? You open in the opposite direction to where I'm heading. So, you're asking me to backtrack."

Revolving doors are the worst. Imagine forgetting something while in a revolving door.

I've always wanted to write "Pull" on a revolving door just to see how obedient people are.

Funny how a drink of water can make you rearrange your priorities. "I don't have a job. I need to pay the rent on my house." Then you drink water, and it's like, "I need to find a bush." Whenever I am having big problems, I drink a lot of water.

I always love coming back to Scotland. I love drinking water here. The bottle says Still Water. After all these years!

I make a phone call, "Is Trish around?"
The answer comes, "You have the wrong number."
I say, "No, I'm trying to avoid her."

It is said that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Yeah, okay, how about "nobody should throw stones"? It's just shitty behavior, isn't it? My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing. Here's the exception, though. If you are trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, yeah, go ahead, throw it and get out.

These days so many people use digital cameras. Digital cameras are great in that they let you reminisce instantly.

I am never able to find the mystery section in a bookshop. I fear that if I go to ask the helpers, they'll say, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

My roommate is an artist. He designs icons for agnostics.

Having a pet in the city means your need for companionship exceeds your disgust for scooping poop.

It would be funny if you are typing a ransom note on your computer and the little clip pops up, "It looks like you are typing a ransom note. Do you need any help with it?"

It's interesting how you can either say thanks or thanks a million, but nothing in between. How about thanks 256?
"Hey buddy thanks 256"
"You are crazy!"
"Hmph...it's thanks 255 now. Go on like that, when we reach zero, it will be no thanks."

There's a place near my house called Joe's Pizza. I've never gone in, but now I'm curious. I assume that the apostrophe is possessive, but what if it's a contraction?

The other day, at a store I met an amazing woman. She was the attendant, and told me, "If you need anything, I'm Jill." Wow! I've never before met a woman with a conditional identity.

I love women. You can always trust them. I was sitting in the park, and this woman with a dog came along. I asked, "Does it bite?"
She said, "Oh, no."
I'm like, "Yeah? How does it eat then?"

It feels so great to make someone's day. Little things can make someone's day. The other day, in the library, I went to the librarian's desk, "Do you have any books on awesome librarians?"

After having a dinner at a Mexican restaurant one night, I got a call from my friend in the morning, "Hey, that Burrito didn't agree with me."
I'm like, "Was the disagreement on whether or not you'll shit straight, by any chance?"

Yesterday, in the park, I read a book cover to cover. It only took a minute. I kinda went on the outside.

An Italian's Holiday to Scotland

This is a funny little piece that we were given at a charming little Italian restaurant in Edinburgh. The place is called La Lanterna, is located at Hanover Street, and has a dainty hostess in Antonietta Zaino, popularly known as Toni. Enjoy the humor of the pleasant people of La Lanterna (verbatim):

An Italian's Holiday to Scotland

One day I ma come to Scotland to a bigga posha Hotel. I goa down to eat some breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss so I tella her I wanna two piss, she saya go to the toilet, I say you no understand I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna Ma bitch. I don't even know the lady an she calla me sonna Ma bitch.....Then I goa to eat soma lunch. The waitress bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna Ma bitch, I don't even know the lady an she calla me sonna Ma bitch. So I goa back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tell him I wanna sheet. He tellsa me go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna Ma bitch. I donna even know the man ana he calla me a sonna Ma bitch. I goa to check out ana the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss anna you too, you sonna Ma bitch. I goa back to Italy!!!