Mind your language

While cleaning up the officespace today, I found this interesting old notice, that "celebrates" the use of expletives in day-to-day conversations in Scotland.

Staff Notice
Notification to all staff regarding language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas/ information can continue in an effective manner without risking offense to our sensitive co-workers.

	Old phrase	New phrase
1	No f**king way	I'm fairly sure that is not feasible
2	You're f**king joking	Really
3	Tell someone who gives a f**k	Have you run that by...
4	No c**t told me	I was not involved in that project
5	I don't have the f**king time	Perhaps I can work late
6	Who f**king cares	Are you sure that is a problem
7	Eat s**t and die	You don't say
8	Eat s**t and die motherf**ker	You don't say, sir
9	Kiss my a**e	So would you like me to help you
10	He's a f**king prick	He is somewhat sensitive
11	She's a ball-busting b**ch	She is an aggressive go-getter
12	You have not got a f**king clue	You could benefit from more training
13	This place is f**ked	You are a little disorganized today
14	What sort of f**k wit are you	You are new here,aren't you
15	F**k off, s**t head	Well, there you go
16	You are a f**king wanker	You are my team leader and I respect you
17	Ha! Suck eggs	I wasn't here that day
18	You are f**king paranoid	So, you are from Glasgow
19	You are f**king useless	So, you are from Edinburgh
20	f**k off	I'll look into that and get back to you