An Italian's Holiday to Scotland

This is a funny little piece that we were given at a charming little Italian restaurant in Edinburgh. The place is called La Lanterna, is located at Hanover Street, and has a dainty hostess in Antonietta Zaino, popularly known as Toni. Enjoy the humor of the pleasant people of La Lanterna (verbatim):

An Italian's Holiday to Scotland

One day I ma come to Scotland to a bigga posha Hotel. I goa down to eat some breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss so I tella her I wanna two piss, she saya go to the toilet, I say you no understand I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna Ma bitch. I don't even know the lady an she calla me sonna Ma bitch.....Then I goa to eat soma lunch. The waitress bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna Ma bitch, I don't even know the lady an she calla me sonna Ma bitch. So I goa back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tell him I wanna sheet. He tellsa me go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna Ma bitch. I donna even know the man ana he calla me a sonna Ma bitch. I goa to check out ana the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss anna you too, you sonna Ma bitch. I goa back to Italy!!!